IMPORTANT PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT

I shouldn’t stay up this late. I know I shouldn’t. But I do anyway. It’s your responsibility to tell me why I stay up so late. Go ahead, tell me. I’m listening. Awake. Here at four am. Probably to stay up another hour. Then go to sleep. Then wake up four hours later. Then go to a doctor’s appointment that I’ll probably have to wait an hour for. Then come back home. Then pass out. Then wake back up when it gets dark.  Wash, Lather, Rinse, Repeat. And all this, in its madness, you are going to explain to me because I sure as fuck can’t.

 

P.S. I have the best conversations on Twitter. EVER.

</me and my fucked up sleeping pattern>

Making Taxadermist Psychopaths in something no one wants to see them in

First off, has anyone noticed yet that when you click the ‘upload audio’ button it says that the allowed file types are jpg, jpeg, png, gif, pdf, doc, ppt, odt, pptx, docx? Anyone? I know you need the space upgrade for that but still, I mean, why not re-direct to the space upgrade page rather than make all the idiots of the internet spend twenty minutes trying to convert their favorite song to png. At least give the rest of us a break and compromise their computers so you can record their frustration with their own web cam. Then it would be reasonable.

 

Moving on.

Because, as mentioned above, I’m too damn cheap to pay to upload music, please follow this link and listen to the whole song before you read the rest of this post.  The name of the song is Making Ladies by The Scissor Sisters for your future reference.

Imeem Link

Youtube Link

 

For those of you who for some estranged reason can’t use either of those links here are the lyrics:

“How do you make a lady?
How do you make a lady?
How do you make a lady?
I’ll show you one more time

How do you make a lady?
How do you make a lady?
How do you make a lady?
I’ll show you one more time

Hey-ey baby, maybe you can show me your lady
And we can make a lady tonight
Hey-ey baby, maybe you can show me your lady
And we can make a lady tonight

Her name is Barbara (Barbara) Jackson (Jackson)
That is her name
Her name is Barbara Jackson
How do you make a lady

Barbara (Barbara) Jackson (Jackson)
That is her name
Her name is Barbara Jackson
How do you make a lady

“Barbara Jackson is my name
And I don’t play no games
I’m just the same
But I’ll take the train
My name is Barbara Jackson
And that’s what you should call me
My name is Barbara Jackson
But you don’t ever call me
But you don’t ever call me”

We’re making ladies
we’re making ladies
We’re making ladies
Construct a lady all night

We’re making ladies
we’re making ladies
We’re making ladies
Construct a lady all night

I’m making her from Faberge
I’m making her with fabric
I’ll put her in some negligee
I’ll conjure her with magic
I’ll clean up all her accidents
And paint her with mascera
We’ll get along on fancy boats
And ride the riviera

How do you make a lady?
How do you make a lady?
How do you make a lady?
I’ll show you one more time

How do you make a lady?
How do you make a lady?
How do you make a lady?
I’ll show you one more time

Hey-ey baby, maybe you can show me your lady
And we can make a lady tonight
Hey-ey baby, maybe you can show me your lady
And we can make a lady tonight

Her name is Cathy (Cathy) Curtis (Curtis)
That is her name
Her name is Cathy (Cathy) Curtis (Curtis)
How do you make a lady

Her name is Cathy Curtis
That is her name
Her name is Cathy (Cathy) Curtis (Curtis)
How do you make a lady

“My name is Cathy Curtis
And I’m so happy to be here
I’m in my fourth year of studying taxidermy
And I love hunting deer
My name is Cathy Curtis
And I’m so glad you get to know me
Um, I know where the girls room is
You don’t need to show me
You don’t need to show me
You don’t need to show me!
[Laughs] It’s just me!”

We’re making ladies
we’re making ladies
We’re making ladies
Construct a lady all night

We’re making ladies
we’re making ladies
We’re making ladies
Construct a lady all night

Make me out of Faberge
And make me out of fabric
And put me in the negligee
And conjure me with magic
Clean up all my accidents
And make me wear mascera
You put me in a fancy boat
And ride the riviera”

And down to buisness: Really, I can’t start this any other way than saying What The Fucking Baby Raptor Jesus On A Bacon Pogo Stick (Here by acronym-ed WTFBRJOABPS, remember that people.) I’ve had this song on my computer for about three years and I still have no clue what the fuck it’s about. This is one of the songs that I pull out when people at school go on the  ‘I listen to the most batshit crazy music ever!’ boast. I love to see their faces go from disappointed to asking me what the fuck I was taking when I thought downloading this was a good idea just with a look. But I digress. Originally, I found this song through the almighty music god that is www.pandora.com I thought nothing of it at first. It was catchy, I never really listened to lyrics anyway, it was catchy. But then earlier this morning (at around 3:20 am, its currently 3:49 and I do have a 9:00 doctor appointment in about six hours thanks for asking) I was playing audio surf and I really listened to the song for the first time. You probably can tell what my first thoughts were already but for those of you with impaired guessing skills it was ‘What the fuck am I listening to and how did I not catch this earlier?’.

What comes to mind after hearing this song is one of Dr. Frankenfurter’s earlier experiments, a grotesque lumber-jack of a barbie (All you python fans know what I’m talkin aboot.)  with a very Mary Sue name that has a penchant for taxidermy. There are so many unholy things in that sentence alone it scares me.  This song makes NO sense but it is so easy to see it as a reject song for Rocky Horror its scary. I’m not sure that there’s anything I can be say that isn’t glaringly obvious in the first place. Oh, also, if you find yourself with the ‘Cathy Curtis’ part stuck in your head, do not be alarmed. It will be followed and eventually replaced with Barbra Jackson but I’m not sure how that’s any better.

My non existent god pandora, what the fuck do you have me listening to that I don’t know about?

 

</THE song that makes you go WTF>

This one’s just for you Vee.

Laser pointers are by far the most evil invention ever to befall man. That’s how you can tell they’re the baddies.

 

That’s pretty much it. You can’t really go into extreme detail about something as insanely evil as laser pointers. It just doesn’t make sense.

</No you’re not getting one>

Huston, we have found barbie man

He’s armed and apparently dangerous.

Ah, Legolas. Where to start, where to start. Is it just me or have other people realized that you can break his name down into lego las? That sounds like some chat room username a ten year old girl with five brother’s would pick. And then use it on my space where it’s still easy to lie about your age. (damn it face book, there aren’t enough google photos of one person!) Oh and that last name, I’ve got dyslexia but JESUS FUCKIN CHRIST, could you not have a harder to read last name? How in the hell would you pronounce that? … oh no… I’ve just been disowned by the tolken fans in the audience haven’t I? Well I’m very sorry and to apologize I’ll include a very nice link at the end of this.

Besides the name… hm… I think he’s really self explanatory. They really should have had Bloomin’ Onion play Edward in twatlight. He’s amazingly good at playing the closeted gay characters. (OOOOH TWILIGHT BURN HUR DUR) Wait… maybe it’s that the Onion is a little bit fruity himself? *legasp* oh the conspiracy!

 

</Loreal (because he’s worth it) using Elves and reasons why america’s fat>

Observe and Comment

This is it.

What THIS is, I have NO CLUE WHATSOEVER.

But its something.

And something.

Is better than nothing.

The last blog has me looping back to my original purpose and motto for my approach on life. Observe and Comment. There’s so much shit happening already that I don’t need to contribute but everyone’s busy knee deep in said shit so there’s no one to laugh at it. That’s where I come in.

One word: SPIES.

Explanation of one word: Ah, James, James, poster boy of awesome, barron of bad ass, king of holy shit what just happened, lord of under appreciated gadgetry, but most of all, the spy legend. Every spy has a poster of him on the ceiling so they can stare at him wide eyed, sparkling in the moonlight (or sunlight if you are from a certain unholy texts), wishing that they could wear his rocket shoes. But I don’t give a shit about all that. I hate spies. They backstab me way too much for it to be reasonable. Their guns are HUGE and engraved with naked women (and/or men if you have a certain addon. Chuck Norris Ambassador, where are you?). Their knives FLIP and do TRICKS. If you tell them to heel they will stab the nearest enemy then obediently hump your shoe (which counts… in a way). They’ve got gear up the shitter (where most of this crap must be stored because I mean, COME ON, where else would it go?) and half of it is never used. Thus embodying the last line of the above image; OVER COMPENSATING.

I believe the one thing that truly drives all spies is not the adventure, the infamy, the money, or the copious amounts of ass with ‘fuck’ written on one cheek and ‘me’ on the other. It is the fact that they have VERY SMALL PENISES. Not even big enough to house a trouser ferret, more like a red LED on a triple a battery if even that. ‘But Jack!’ you say, flustered for no one shall insult your body pillow with James bond’s face taped to one end and a suspicious looking hole around the other, ‘That is sexist! There are female spies too!’ True. True. But there is one difference between dude spies and chick spies, Chick spies are not dick motivated! They are either motivated by one of the things listed in the beginning of this paragraph or by a need to make it clear that just because she has chesticles does not mean that she is useless!  God damn it that spy will use EVERY GOD DAMN GADGET SHE HAS until her enemies die from the pure SHOCK that someone could hold that much gear in their colon and not spontaneously a) crap it out, or b) explode. And that also explains the big guns with complimentary porn as well as the knives! Because the guys do it means that chicks can do it too and look twice as sexy.

So I have one thing to leave you with now.

WHERE IS YOUR SPY NOW?! (right behind me, isn’t he?)

</LED penises, porn guns, and embarrassed men in tuxedos>

OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS!?

Relationshits. I never had many to begin with. Now that I’ve been confined to my full size bed for about three weeks now I frequently enjoy the sound of them popping out of existence. Its a wonderful feeling. Now I have a new thing to tack on to the list of general traits of human kind, Fickleness. And that’s a word, go ahead, look it up. I dare you. Anyway, this is just one of the many examples of when the going gets tough you better BYOS (for those of you acronymically [also a word] challenged, Bring Your Own Shotgun) or your fucked.

I don’t know if its just the fact that i haven’t seen sunlight in those three weeks and the best thing I have to do is torrent movies and take up my hard drive but I’ve been growing increasingly depressed.  I hope to GOD that its only the sunlight/lack of video games (mice and beds don’t mix) thing because if its just me having time to reflect on my life (Those of you who are reading know that when I’ve got free time and I reflect on something I tear the living shit out of it and then put it back together faster, stronger, and significantly more fucked up) then I’m severely screwed.

Basically, I need something to get me over my interest ADD. I can’t focus on anything long enough for it to become interesting and then I move on and I’m running out of things to move on to.  This severely SUCKS walrus balls. The highlight of my day is waiting for more bits of information to casually float into my net so I can solar beam them (if i remember correctly, reflect is either a psychic or grass type move in Pokemon and reflect just makes me sound like a prude so I’m fucking solar beamin’ it.). Again bringing us back to relationshits and thus full circle.

P.S. I’m now confident that anything put on this blog will go under the RANTS category.

</relationshit ranting>

Ugh.

That’s the only reasonably accurate way to describe my life right now. Ugh. I hurt all over from getting my arse kicked daily and now nightly, my homework schedule is a mess, and school is just one big train wreck after another. This explains why I haven’t been bloging lately. I’ve got a feeling that the people I’ve been bitching to are getting a tad tired so I’ll try to re-direct that to here. Lucky for you, ranting just became bitching. Anyway, I’ve got nothing much more to say at the moment other than thank you for reading, no new posts at the moment but check again in an hour and a half and leave your message after the beep. No, not beep as in bitch, beep as in beep. You know, beep.

</shitty excuses and English joke>

Memamememema- try saying that five times fast.

Yay, lack of things to write about has brought you the joy known as the MEME. So here goes.

Write out the names of your characters and explain
1) how you thought of their name
2) what made you create the character in the first place
3) how the character has changed over time (if they have changed)
4) any random fun fact about that character

-TF2 Ocs-

Jacqueline “Jack” Follet Verlee

1) Well Jack originally started out as a self insert that grew to into her own separate (somewhat) entity but I think my nick name and mistaken name are just too damn awesome to give up so it stuck.

2) A whole lot of sugar and the crack idea to do a tf2 rp. (yeah this was waaaaaay back in the day)

3) Well as I mentioned, she started out as me then she became more of the pissed off devil midget that I wish to be. After the initial point where Jack stopped being me Jack, she progressively became more of a bitch then after a while toned it down a bit which once I have the opportunity to rp her again will jump back up. Its FUN yelling at people for no reason.

4) She’s got a vendetta against other peoples’ eyebrows. Don’t ask why. Just be thankful she hasn’t waxed yours in your sleep.

Skeletor “Charlie” Langton

1) The thought process went like this ‘I need a spy’>’I need a sexy spy’>’English spies are sexy’>’what’s a sexy English name?’>’well there was that one english kid in my first grade class that I had a crush on named Charlie.’>’Charlie’s got a lot of lulz behind it’>’lets go with Charlie and make Charlie the Unicorn jokes.’>’We could go one step further and give him a humiliating nick name.’>’What name just screams gay?’>’Skeletor it is.’

2) I needed a spy for my tf2 fic that’s barely alive.

3) Charlie hasn’t changed much, but that’s mostly because he’s relatively new and hasn’t had the chance to.

4) He has an arch nemesis named He-Sniper.

Tyrus Black

1) I’d been thinking about making a Jamaican solly for a while and I’ve got a thing for the letter T especially followed by the letter Y and Tyrus is just an awesome name in general, and its Jamaican to boot.

2) If you had the idea to make a solly that would crocket people while singing don’t worry be happy you’d jump to action too.

3) Well the only thing about him that’s changed is the fact that he went from the regular soldier uniform to shorts and flip flops. Even while in battle.

4) He and Jack are reggae buddies and sing while they massacre.

Bobbert

1) The pure product of crack and the need for a retard’s name.

2) An attempt at originality by making a civilian character for tf2-rpda. Unfortunately he and Doggie didn’t make it but Bobbert has lived on strong as one of the most entertaining and lovable rp characters ever. If you love me and you love bobbert you’ll draw him.

3) He went from having a thing for rocky road to rocky road with socks stuffed in it.

4) His main attack is Floaty Hug. Its always super effective.

-Unnamed Comic/Rp Characters (The characters have names, the comic doesn’t)-

Elliot the Depressed and Alcoholic Fallen Angel (that’s right bitches, title extension)

1) When I was thinking of an angel the one thing that I had the hardest time with was deciding its gender. Being an avid fan of Good Omens I’m under the impression that Angels don’t have gender, they just choose to take a form. This idea let me have the flexibility of not having to decide immediately what gender my character would be as well as the added lulz of having a semi-hermaphroditic character. This called for an equally flexible name. For those of you who don’t know, my other favorite letter is E and I love scrubs so by using the magic of convenient but subtle fandom declaring, my angel became Elliot and later became definitively female but only slightly.

2) I needed a character for the collab rp/comic Vee and I are doing and Ell was my first.

3) At first Ell was slightly more androgynous in her mannerism but now she’s seemed to settle in to the fact that this century is female, tough noogies. At the start Ell was also more openly depressed but now things are moving so quickly that she doesn’t really have time to mope around.

4) Her tail is actually β≡À∑¤†±ΛΓΨÜ√ÆΦξ how cool is that?

Malcolm (He changes last names too quickly to have a constant one)

1) He’s a vampire and vampires need sexy names and what could be more sexy than the name of a chaos theorist?

2) It was lonely in the OC bus with only one character so I made Mal. Heh, I’m god.

3) To be honest I can’t tell if he’s just become more brash or stupid than in the beginning. Back then he was mild mannered but nooooo.

4) Despite how much he sleeps around there’s a certain little girl death that he’s head over heels for.

Annabelle; Muse to the Anti-Christ

1) I was making a sandwich about a day or two after we started this and I was thinking that if inspiration comes from muses, wouldn’t the anti-christ have a muse too? I jumped on that and got the basic parts down for Anna but I had no name. Then Vee ever so kindly used a random name insert and I remembered this song and with the added fact that Annabelle is a goody two shoes name, Anna was complete.

2) See number 1

3) Well I haven’t actually used Anna for more than five seconds and am debating on bringing her in again (most likely not but just for the lulz I may use her in other things but she will be at least mentioned) so no change.

4) She’s got an odd fascination with hello kitty and fluffy things.

Joey Son of Aquaman

1) Random name is Random.

2) I just like making pervy characters and there was a large body of water so I thought why not make a merman?

3) Again, he’s brand new.

4) He loves pretending he’s jaws but instead of biting he’s a bikini snatcher.

I deserve a t-shirt for this shit

So I survived to the second week. I’m almost disappointed. Steven has made note taking insanely easy and that’s the most intimidating part of high school, or so I’ve heard. So, today was the first day I actually took chemistry (in case you’re just joining us it’s a tenth grade class and I’m in ninth grade. At least I skipped a grade for a subject. Go me). All of the classes started out by making bridges. Because of my schedule changes I only got to work on my bridge for one day and my lazy ass partner didn’t do any work on it. At all. Guess what? Today was presentation day. I’m a new ninth grader in a sea of the only bigger fish available on my first day with nothing to present but literally three Popsicle sticks  glued together. How, may you ask do I handle the situation? Simple, I volunteer to go first. I went up there and admitted my fail but made up with my  tone of self plugging cleverly disguised and tempered with self degredation. Don’t ask me how I do it. My methods are just too mind blowing.

To understand the full magnitude of this, take into consideration that I’m usually shy, reserved, and most of the time on the verge of shaving my head to go with my vow of silence. But this time I spoke up, and I was FIRST. Ha. Take that older fishes, you may be bigger but you’re slow and fat and me with my midget size rules the day once again!

Also, you all will greatly appreciate this bit;  I was reading through my health text book and there was a bit explaining how your environment can affect your health.

Living with smokers can can cause respiratory problems.

… because I don’t get to say it enough; NO SHIT SHERLOCK! XD Bill would love to tell you the wonderful joys of the smoker and his respiratory problem causing ways but he’s currently strung up like a Vietnamese pinata by the neck. I seriously cracked up in class after reading this. Full on roflwaffles.

I shall leave you all with an interesting fact today; I now can honestly say I have a friend that owns a monkey.

</laughing at nerdy jokes>

Trouser Ferrets

While mum was doing my hair earlier I had one of my amazing thought processes that brought me to the subject of the male genitalia. I remember seeing the south park episode where cartman get’s someone else’s pubic hairs and then it occurred to me, I’ve never seen a hairy  penis. (Thanks to Forgetting Sarah Marshal, Scary Movie, and me mum’s anatomy books [I figure that if i read up enough on it that when it actually comes time I'll be too disappointed with it to go down that road.] I’ve seen quite a few.) Are they like furry trouser ferrets that stick their tongue out at you when their happy? Because the first reaction I come up with from that is ‘Awwwww issocute’ and quite frankly I think that would give people the wrong idea.

And then there’s the fact that mowing the lawn hurts like a mother what Cher said. (< Paula Poundstone Joke) So if guys go through the excruciating experience just to go from fuzzy trouser ferret to slimy trouser worm I have to ask the question, does the mythical male bush really exist, let alone grow to Zohan standards.

…. I think I may ask my health teacher.

</more awkward questions>